Loving Someone When You Feel Everything

 I’ve been with my partner for almost three and a half weeks now.

There have been so many good moments, the kind that make you think maybe this time it’s real, maybe this time it lasts.


But Sunday hit differently.


We had a fight that almost ended everything.

And while he can shut things off and walk away when he feels disrespected, I can’t. My emotions don’t have an off switch. They stay loud, overwhelming, and impossible to ignore.


I ended up on the floor, crying so hard my body gave out on me. Alone.

And in that moment, all I could think was—how can someone just walk away like that? How can it be so easy for them when I feel like I’m breaking?


It makes me question everything about myself.

Like maybe I’m too much.

Or not enough.


He did come back.

It took begging. It took promises. And now I have until Saturday to prove that we can work, that I can do better.


So I’m trying. I’m taking my meds regularly. I’m holding myself accountable. I’m doing everything I can to show up the way this relationship needs me to.


Because I love him.

And the truth is… I don’t know if I have another heartbreak in me.


I hadn’t self-harmed in two years.

But that night, I broke that streak. Not because I wanted to give up, but because I needed the noise in my head to stop. I needed to feel something different than the anger and the sadness.


And I hate that it got me there.


I don’t have a perfect ending for this.

I don’t know what Saturday will bring.

I just know I’m trying—harder than I ever have.


And maybe that has to count for something.


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