Between quiet and proud

 Lately… I’ve been creating more than I have in a long time.


I started making more and more music on Suno—just trying things, experimenting, putting feelings somewhere instead of letting them sit in my chest.
And then I did something that felt… big.


I caved and bought a yearly subscription to DistroKid.
Which means now… I’m actually publishing.


My songs. My words. My stories.
Out there. On real platforms.


Even typing that feels weird.


Because at the same time I’m doing this… I’m still teaching myself how to sing. Still figuring out my voice. Still learning what kind of artist I even am.


So it’s not perfect.
It’s not traditional.
But it’s mine.


And I was excited about it.


Until I said something.


I told my friend I’ve been using AI to help create my music…
and they called it a disgrace to real music creators.


And I don’t know why that hit as hard as it did… but it did.


Because suddenly something I was proud of turned into something I felt like I had to defend.
Or worse… hide.


Now I’m sitting here, knowing I’m literally on major platforms as an artist—
and instead of feeling proud, part of me feels like I should stay quiet about it.


Like if I talk about it too much, it’ll get torn down.
Like it doesn’t count.
Like it’s not “real enough.”


And I hate that feeling.


Because I know what these songs are made of.


They’re made of nights I couldn’t sleep.
Of thoughts I couldn’t say out loud.
Of emotions I didn’t know what to do with.


AI didn’t create that part.
I did.


The words are mine.
The pain is mine.
The story is mine.


I’m just using a tool to help bring it to life while I’m still learning how to do it on my own.


And maybe that’s not how everyone does it.
Maybe it’s not what some people respect.


But I don’t think that makes it worthless.


I think it makes it… a starting point.


Still, I can’t ignore how quickly that one comment made me shrink.


How it made me question something that was actually helping me grow.


And that’s the part I’m trying to sit with right now.


Because I don’t want to hide something that’s helping me heal.


I don’t want to be quiet about something that finally feels like mine.


But I also can’t pretend that it didn’t make me hesitate.


So right now… I’m somewhere in between.


Between proud…
and quiet.


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Soft Arms, Loud Truths The moment it clicked!

 There’s a kind of quiet that only comes after chaos. Not the kind that feels empty—but the kind that feels like finally setting something heavy down. That’s where I am right now. We’re back to not talking. And this time, it isn’t confusion or waiting or hoping—it’s a choice. I chose peace. While I’m stepping away, he’s stepping louder—another dramatic reveal, another version of the story where he’s the victim and I’m painted as something I’m not. It used to shake me. It used to make me question myself. Now it just… confirms everything I needed to see. Because the truth is, things were already falling apart again. For a little while, it felt like maybe things had changed. Like maybe he had healed. But looking back now, I can see it for what it was—a honeymoon phase, not growth. One good month followed by another that felt all too familiar. Tension. Arguments. That slow, creeping feeling of losing myself again. And I stayed longer than I should have. Two extra months I gave back to ...
Read more

Support vs controlling

  When someone survives an abusive relationship, people around them often step in with strong opinions about what should happen next. Sometimes those opinions come from love. Sometimes they come from fear. Sometimes they come from anger toward the person who caused the harm. All of those emotions are understandable. But there is a line that often gets crossed — the line between supporting a survivor and trying to control their choices. Support sounds like this: “I’m worried about you.” “I’ll be here if you need help.” “I trust you to make decisions, but please stay safe.” “Tell me what kind of support you need.” Support leaves space for the survivor to still have ownership over their life. Control sounds different. Control demands proof. Control demands compliance. Control insists there is only one acceptable outcome. It can sound like: “You’re making a mistake.” “You’ll understand eventually.” “Prove they’ve changed.” “If you don’t do what I think you ...
Read more

Unexplainable pain

  There’s a certain kind of pain that comes from trying to speak up without breaking someone else in the process. It’s this careful balancing act—where you’re already hurting, but you’re choosing your words like glass, because you know the person you’re talking to doesn’t just hear things… they absorb them. They internalize everything. And suddenly, what you meant as “this hurt me” turns into “I’m a bad person” in their mind. And that’s not what you meant at all. You’re not trying to blame. You’re not trying to start something. You’re not trying to turn love into a scoreboard. You’re just trying to say… this hurts. But when every conversation starts to feel like a blame game or petty back-and-forth, it stops being about the original issue. It becomes about defending, deflecting, protecting feelings instead of understanding them. And somewhere in all of that noise, your hurt gets lost. So you start shrinking your words. You soften your tone. You over-explain. You a...
Read more